Spirituality, Healing & Transformation from a Mixed Race perspective; a rite of passage in teaching Dharma (Truth in Buddhist terms), Coaching and Mentoring others facing such complexities and difficulties, towards wholeness and celebrating uniqueness and potential.
This podcast is for those that attended, could not attend, and those that wanted to be a fly on the wall Feb.4th and 5th at East Bay Meditation Center in Oakland during the “Coming to Wholeness as Multiracial weekend workshop.
The talk is honest, open and in celebration of meeting with others of similar experience.
This the first of four audio posts from a retreat given in Oakland California February 2012
What is coaching, and how can a coach help you? Are you coachable? Or do you tend to give coaching more readily than you accept it?
Who are the mentors who have helped you? Did they challenge you, push you to move beyond your limitations – imagined or real? Or did they just console you? Did they expand your universe or just reinforce your existing beliefs?
There is a lot of confusion about how a coach is supposed to help you. If you are looking for someone to talk to, to simply feel better about yourself, then you’re not looking for a coach. A coach will challenge you to make changes towards permanent positive change, new ideas, and new behavior. They will also give you the specific tools so that you can do it. They will hold you accountable to put those tools to use, and to keep using them. Anything less, and you are cheating yourself.
There’s also big myth about self-sufficiency, and self-determination, and a false idea that we should all be able to go it alone. There’s confusion about independence and interdependence. There’s a difference between being pushed out of your comfortable nest, and being able to fly with exquisite skill. A good coach will push you beyond your comfort zone and give you the skills to thrive there.
The most accomplished and successful leaders in every field have always been mentored. Professional athletes have coaches, effective organizations have consultants, even great spiritual teachers have advisers and guides! Artists, writers, musicians, scientists, entrepreneurs, inventors .. you name it .. the best of them acknowledge the life-changing impact of their mentors,
Why would you imagine that you deserve less, or could achieve your best with less?
Perhaps you run your life by other myths, that you’re not good enough, or that you don’t deserve it, or that you can’t afford it. But your logic is backwards. You become good enough by stepping up, you come to deserve it by claiming it, and ultimately, if you want to become and do what you’re truly capable of becoming and doing, you can’t afford not to get the help you need and deserve to make it happen!
The work of a coach is not to help you feel comfortable with your limitations, real or imagined. It is not even to help you understand those limitations, however valuable understanding can sometimes be. It is to help you focus your energy so that you move beyond those limitations altogether, and to sustain that movement so that you, and everyone around you benefits.
.. And aren’t all limitations imagined ones anyway?
So, are you coachable? Ask yourself:
Can you learn? Can you let go of what you thought you knew? Can you listen and take action based on what you hear? Can you stand directly in front of the things you have avoided because they terrified you, and learn from your fears? Can you trust .. which means, can you trust yourself, your dreams, desires, ambitions? Can you trust that life works for you, not against you, as soon as you start living and thinking for yourself.
Can you change? Can you risk losing what you thought you depended on? Can you risk losing who you thought you were? Can you risk failing in order to achieve a greater and deeper success. Can you understand that true success is not a zero-sum game. When you win, everyone can win? Can you get out of your own way? Can you stand face to face with those old fears and trust that they may be your greatest teachers, not just something to ‘overcome’, but true guides and teachers.
A few years ago I began working with mentors who really challenged me to question my own belief system and the self-imposed limitations that were playing out in my life, as well as in my work as a teacher and mentor to others.
I realized that I had a ‘sacred’ duty to provoke, challenge, and question even more than I had been .. and to provide concrete tools, practical perspectives , and real-life skills with which people might sustain permanent change in an ongoing way. Anything less than that was merely misplaced kindness!
Genuine kindness sacrifices temporary comfort for long term achievement and ongoing, ever-evolving, fulfillment and creativity; to become a true reflection of this wild and marvelous adventure of living!
Do you even remember what it was you lost? You’re certain that you’ve lost something, but you can’t, for the life of you, remember what it is!
My father-in-law had mislaid his walking stick. The dementia he suffers from shows up in different ways at different times. Sometimes he’s coherent, and at other times loses the thread of his reality. He’ll be is watching a movie on TV and dodging John Wayne’s bullets, or offering his encouragement and advice to a jilted lover. Distinctions and boundaries between things disappear completely.
It helps me appreciate the apparent continuity that most of us enjoy, and marvel at the everyday mental abilities most of us take for granted.
My father-in-law knew he had lost something. His walking-stick is something he likes to hold as he sits in front of the TV, a reassuring and comforting object. But he wasn’t clear what it was that he had lost. He knew he had to search. He looked for it on the table.He looked under the DVD boxes. He picked up his headphones, his coffee mug, his shoes.
I asked him what he is looking for. He said he didn’t know.
He said that maybe it was something that goes over his head and covers his ears. He made a gesture of putting on headphones.
I asked if it’s his walking stick that he’s lost . He says he wasn’t sure.
Then I brought it to him from the other side of the room.
“Is this it?”I ask.
“Yes, yes, thank, thank you very much,” he says.
He knew he had lost something. He knew that he felt less than complete. Something was missing. When he found it he felt better. He was himself again.
I wonder what it is you may have lost, or forgotten about, or can’t recognize, which, when someone helps you find it, will allow you to feel whole again. What’s missing from your life that you may have grown accustomed to? What will change when you find it? Like coming home after a long absence, remembering who you truly are.
Buddhism arrived in the West early in the nineteenth century, after the centuries of Western economic and political expansion. Asian religions like Buddhism were certainly known to travelers and missionaries long before then, but it was not until the early nineteenth century that Buddhism fully captured the western imagination.
The nineteenth century was one of social and philosophical upheaval, both for the west as well as for Asian cultures newly exposed to western ideas, education, and values. So inevitably, the versions of Buddhism that have come to the West, from that time forward, have been impacted by Western ideas, directly and indirectly, at the hands of both Western interpreters and Asian exponents.
Sometimes Buddhism is used to refute western ideas and support traditional world-views and values; sometimes it is adapted to meet the west on the west’s terms, to make it palatable and accessible; sometimes it takes on the form of an apologia, to appease disparagement from the West and to meet Western approval. Some in the West, like Schopenhauer in the 1830s, and of course many since then, hope to find justification for their own ideas by affirming common ground with Buddhism. Inevitably, Buddhism in the west continues to be filtered through Western ideas and expectations of it, just as Buddhism in Asia is influenced by its western adaptations, as well as by conservative reactions away from them.
Cultures are not static. They adapt in the same way that living organisms do. If true stasis ever existed, it would lead to stagnation and extinction. This is as true for a culture, or an idea, as it is for a species. Cultural experience centers on the evolving tensions between opposites, tradition and change, inertia and momentum, innovation and tradition.
The interplay and tensions between nomads and farmers, between urban and rural populations, between orthodoxy and heresy, between members of one religion and another, between invading and indigenous people, is often the lifeblood of change and renewal, however violently it may play out, and however self-defeating the long-term consequences may be. Tensions of all kinds are how cultural renewal, change, and innovation, and the impulse for human survival, have found expression down the ages.
No wonder then, that as a species we also hunger for unchanging truth, for ideas that are pure and reliable, uninfluenced by the flux of human tides. Our quest for it may be as old as human thought itself. How many angels can fit on the head of a pin? Why am I here? How did neutrinos and quarks emerge in the milliseconds following the big bang?
The quest for certainty has shown itself in Buddhism as it has in all the great traditions. Instructions handed down from founding sources have been taken to be absolutes, whether we call it Dharma, or The Word of God. How wonderful, an impartial observer might say, that the Truth has so many complex and contradictory ways of expressing itself!
Exponents of Buddhism often pride themselves on the practicality and flexibility of their tradition, and the fact that they have no need for a ‘God’ or of any transcendent authority. Teachings about the relativity and subjectivity of the ‘self’ – anatta, and of the nature of reality – śunya, have provided Buddhism with an effective eject button whenever there has been a tendency to be caught in absolutes. However, this has not prevented what has come down to us as instructions, anecdotes, or analogies to be taken as literal truth. Such is our hunger for certainty. Such is the tension between knowing and being, between understanding and embodiment – another tension of opposites that plays out inside us.
Truth and power are inexorably interconnected. The quest for redemption through certainty, for the security of knowing oneself to be one of a ‘chosen’ group, for knowing oneself to be ‘right’, has played into the hands of those who would wield power. Whether that power is exerted consciously or not, benevolently or not, it has been the proving ground of another polarity of opposites – those who would contest and challenge the status quo, and those who would maintain it; those who favor certainty, and those who favor the ongoing quest for being, however uncertain the ground may be.
There are always individuals who at different times, and in different ways, deliberately or accidentally, have placed themselves outside the status quo. They are those who favor being and embodiment over knowing and certainty. They are part of a tradition within Buddhism that itself goes back to the earliest time, and includes Ananda’s insistent request to the reluctant Gautama, the historical Buddha, that women should be included in the monastic order. The Third Zen patriarch had to flee the monastery for his life because he did not conform to the status quo. A well-known Korean teacher of recent times was publicly scolded in his youth for taking the shoes from the nuns’ quarters and placing them outside the abbot’s door. In private the abbot quietly praised his student’s mischief.
Can there be Outsider Buddhism in the west when there is already so much innovation and adaptation, Edward Conze’s assertion that Buddhism has not had an original idea in a thousand years notwithstanding? As Buddhism finds its place in a rapidly evolving global culture, it continues to look for ways to integrates with Psychology, Movements for Social and Environmental Justice, Science, Business and the Arts. Isn’t Buddhism in the west already Outsider Buddhism?
Perhaps… Yet orthodoxy also evolves as part of the normal course of events. Inquisitors or public witch trials may no longer exist as they once did. Yet, just as there is an urge to innovate and integrate, so there is also an urge to conform, to be right, to convince others to agree, to be the arbiter of the authentic truth, by whatever markers authenticity and truth are measured.
Buddhist Outsiders may reject orthodoxy but they also play a part in the evolution of the whole. It is important that we see beyond acts of innovation or rebellion towards a deeper appreciation of the spirit of this tradition we know as Buddhism.
Everything you experience and achieve in life is based on your intention, expectation, and vision.
Do you believe that? If it were true, what does it say about choices you may have made? We always get what we want and expect, whether we think so or not!
Of course, that doesn’t mean that outside influences don’t play out in our lives. They do, all the time. But how we negotiate and transform those influences is determined by us. It’s not a question of whether or not obstacles, challenges, and disappointment exit. They exist in abundance. The question is how you address them, and how your attitude and predisposition may be influencing their perceived impact.
This is something that every mature teaching system agrees on, from Buddhism to New Thought. More importantly, simple honest observation bears it out every day.
Without an intention, nothing is actually ‘accomplished’
This does not mean that your life must be dominated by your goals. Learning to be present, to be mindful, to have awareness in everyday life is essential. It is not a question of one being more important than the other. It’s not either or. In fact, it has been demonstrated that people who are on track with their goals and vision, and who are taking action to achieve them in a deliberate and conscious way, are more able to release anxiety and fully live in the present moment, which translates to fully enjoying life – this is something else that simple observation bears witness to every day. Just think of the people you know who are getting things accomplished in a steady measured way with deliberation and joy, clear intention and a clear plan.
There are two keys to sustaining intention and vision. The first is CONGRUITY — being in agreement with yourself, embodying your ‘bliss’, and living with the integrity that allows you to live from the inside out. That means NOT fighting against yourself, living your truth, knowing your values and priorities, and trusting them.
The second key is MOTIVATION. Motivation is based on emotion, and emotions do not last. So the question is how you live into the marvelous unknown, with trust, enjoying the journey of your life so that it’s unfolding becomes a source of pleasure and joy. How do you become naturally self-motivated. How do you generate motivation within yourself every day. There are ways to learn to do exactly this. This is the not-so-secret secret known to almost everyone you have ever admired, emulated, or been inspired by — from the Buddha to Oprah Winfrey, from Nelson Mandela to the the Rolling Stones
Have you ever wondered how everything seems to go right for some people, while others just keep beating their heads against the wall? Or after they learned to stop beating themselves up, they are lost in disappointment and regret; going round in circles, wondering why things are so hard. How many people do you know who are always blaming life, other people, and the past, for the difficulties in their life?
On the other hand, how many people have you met who seem to be living a charmed life; who make their own good luck as they go; and who always seem to turn difficulties to their advantage
Not so many, right? But wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could actually learn to live a ‘charmed life’?
The truth is, you can. It’s a lot easier than you think. Anyone can do it. It begins with one single, simple skill: the ability to FOCUS.
How you focus, and where you direct your focus, determines just about everything in your life. And the best kept secret has always been that it really is much easy to change everything (by changing your focus in very specific ways) than you think.
You may have been taught that it’s difficult or impossible to change, that meditation is hard, that it takes years. But when you learn to change both how you focus, and what you focus on, you change everything. New attitudes, like new growth in springtime, change how you think, live, feel, and respond to the events of your life. Positive change becomes so easy you’ll wonder why you were so stuck before. Things start to go round and round again, but this time in a whole new direction.
I am not talking about having superhuman concentration. This is not about accepting someone else’s belief system, or putting your life on hold, or joining or subscribing to anything other than your own ability to change. It’s about learning to live by choice; it’s about mastering negative emotional habits so that you are no longer fighting a battle inside.
Now Live on Purpose, at Manzanita Village, is an immersion in simple essential skills for mindfulness and focus; exquisite tools that transform everything about how you can now move from feeling stuck, to knowing you can live a life of genuine celebration, internal wellbeing, and freedom.
Whether or not you think you know something about meditation, join us for this silent retreat to learn tools for mindfulness and change. Begin to use meditation not just as a way of passively observing, but to actively heal self-limiting beliefs, and persistent negative emotions. In these three days we will guide you through skills that you can easily incorporate into your life.
How is it that the simplest things are often made to seem like they are complex? Are you ready to unravel the tangle of the limitations from your past that tell you what you can and cannot accomplish? Click Here
I had felt ambivalent about Earth Day since it first showed up in the early 1970’s. Isn’t every day Earth day? Would fish celebrate ‘Water Day’? Like Black History Month, Women’s History Month, and Mother’s Day, it seemed to be too little too late. After all, isn’t mindfulness and awareness – in a Buddhist context or otherwise – best used to sustain our gaze to include what is most often missed, as well as all that is most apparent? Isn’t mindfulness of breathing also mindfulness of the planetary cycle of carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen; of rainforest, phytoplankton, and emission controls?
No doubt my thoughts have as much to do with my own obtuse contrariness as they do with the truth of the matter. And certainly, anything that directs our collective attention towards the bigger picture of our planet is of incalculable value. If only for a day!
Our species is in population expansion overdrive. Our demand for resources – food, fuel, water, and weaponry – vies with our adaptive ingenuity in a ways that would have any extra-terrestrial spectator on the edge of their extra-terrestrial seat. Or perhaps they might be groaning in horror and disbelief. “How do you do it?” I can hear them say. “How do you manage to blind yourself to the long term consequences of your policies and activities; and then come up with apparently brilliant solutions, many of them almost as shortsighted as the problems they solve?”
“And the trouble with you spiritual practices,” they might add, “is they are almost as much of a problem. They have the nasty habit of becoming another way for you to avoid the consequences of your actions.”
“Elegant systems of denial and resignation, however time-honored they may be; do not seem to be any more valuable than the shrill pronouncements of the more ardent progressives and activists among you. They are just ways for you to not look at the big picture of what you’re doing to each other.”
So on this Earth Day 2011, pondering the pronouncements of my extra-terrestrial friends, I turn off my computer, say a little prayer for the people of Libya, Syria, Azerbaijan, Yemen and Japan, and for my friends who tackle violence and injustice head on, and for everyone I can think of or imagine, and take a long walk over the hills beyond our gate, marveling at the vibrancy and beauty of this extraordinary, resilient, and still vibrant planet we call out home, before returning to help prepare lunch for the dozen or so Taiwanese who are staying here this week for a retreat – their own way of celebrating Earth Day perhaps.
If you don’t have a destination or a goal how will you ever arrive there? And, if you are so focused on your goals that you forget where you are, how will you know where to begin? To pursue your dreams, and to live fully in the present, that is the key. Caitriona Reed
The words ‘choiceless awareness’ describe a natural state of mindfulness. Choiceless awareness means being fully present to your life. It does not mean making NO choices. Obvious? .. You’d think! ..
If you have ever imagined that ‘spiritual’ practice or mindfulness was a way to avoid embodying ALL the possibilities that life offers you, or if you’ve confused awareness with inactivity or resignation … then we have something that might be perfect for you .. BIG PICTURE MINDFULNESS .. Now Live on Purpose! This work provides you with tools for a fully integrated and engaged spiritual practice.
Choiceless awareness simply means that whatever happens is the best thing that could have happened. Whatever it is, you CAN deal with it. You can even respond by saying so: “This is the best thing that could have happened!” not because you understand why … YET!
The attitude you embody by saying those words allows you to make the best possible choices as you move forward and to embody the power inside that allows to live fully ‘at choice’ and to move to ever greater clarity through having clearly defined outcomes..
Check for upcoming retreats and workshops click here
I once imagined that if I found the right teacher, the right path, and that if I tried really, really hard to get ‘it’ ‘right’ .. and that if I could understand what apparently I did not yet fully understand .. then everything would be okay, and I would magically wake up to be someone else, not my ‘self’ – which I didn’t like very much, and which I had been told was an illusion anyway. I would wake up to be an entirely different person!
And so I undertook a fool’s journey to enlightenment.
Then I learned that life is both easier and harder.. which is something, it turns out, I had known all along. I learned (remembered) that no singular set of beliefs or behaviors can provide an absolute solution to the puzzle and miracle of living. I learned that ultimately it’s up to each of us to discover the truth of our lives.
I also learned some really, really cool tools from the ever-evolving field of NLP .. well, NLP is not a field exactly, and they weren’t tools exactly .. more a way of thinking outside the conventional Aristotelian mindset box .. which is more of a tyranny of NOT thinking than a mindset.
Also, I had been teaching with Michele for many years already, so I decided to stop teaching the fool’s way, to stop helping people get comfortable with their limitations, and instead to start to help them feel un-comfortable enough, so that, like me, they might step outside the Aristotelian box .. and discover that just about any pattern of thought, belief, perception, feeling can change, and more importantly, can BE changed!
I had felt ambivalent about Earth Day since it first showed up in the early 1970’s. Isn’t every day Earth day? Would fish celebrate ‘Water Day’? Like Black History Month, Women’s History Month, and Mother’s Day, it seemed to be too little too late. After all, isn’t mindfulness and awareness – in a Buddhist context or otherwise – best used to sustain our gaze to include what is most often missed, as well as all that is most apparent? Isn’t mindfulness of breathing also mindfulness of the planetary cycle of carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen; of rainforest, phytoplankton, and emission controls?
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